Raising Strangers

Where did I go wrong is a question I have asked myself many times as my children have become adults. I love my kids and I am so proud of the people they truly are deep inside and the amazing human beings that I know they can be. It is one of the hardest things I have realized now that my kids are adults themselves is letting go of the idea that they will be who I expect or want them to be. They will make their own lives and with that their own choices. Some of those choices might not be what I want for them but at the end of the day it is their choices to make.

My adult kids have made unfortunately made some poor choices. Some of these choices make me think I don’t know them at all. I used to really internally beat myself up thinking I know that I raised them better or I know they know better. It has been very hard coming to terms with yes, I did my job and taught them right from wrong. It was a real dark hole that I found myself when they would make questionable choices. In that same line it was tough when they would make those decisions and not want to come around because they knew that they were making poor choices.

I used to think maybe I don’t need to call them out on stuff, if I see them doing something wrong. Maybe if I keep my mouth quiet they will come around more often. I quickly realized that me as their Mom could not just be quiet when I see them doing things that will hurt them. If you see them walking into fire you can’t just watch it happen. This is when I realized that we needed to have a discussion. We sat down and I told them I speak because I love them. I speak because I can see where they are headed. That being said we also had the talk that as a child your parents words are rules to live by and if you don’t follow those rules then you have punishments. Now that they are adults when we as parents speak it is less a rule to live by and more just advice. Take it or leave it is a choice they make.

This is where I realized that I did raise them the best I could and I did teach them right from wrong. When they were children it was my job to punish bad choices to teach them. Now that they are adults it is my job to understand their choices good or bad are just that THEIR choices. If those choices lead to punishment from other sources then that is a consequence they will suffer and is not my responsibility to rescue them from that consequence. My responsibility was to teach them and I have done that. I have learned that I need to let go and let God. What they do is their choice. I can be there to lend a hand up when its bad and to be a cheer leader for them when its good.

At the end of the day, their childhood was not perfect but they were loved and I gave them all of me. I did not go wrong in raising them. It is their own choices that make the life they want to live once they leave my home. I am Momma and will be here to support them when they need me but I am no longer responsible for the choices they make. Their wins are their accomplishments and their losses are their choices. That was a very hard lesson to learn. I am still learning everyday.