Raising Strangers

I was just a child when God lead me through a path, I had no idea I even wanted.  I graduated high school in May of 2002 with all intentions of becoming a career woman.  I wasn’t going to have children.  Little did I know then that God had other plans for my life.  I remember the first time I met my 2 oldest daughters and it just clicked.  My oldest wouldn’t speak to me at the time.  In all fairness she only spoke to her sister.  She was very guarded and didn’t much care for change.  I found out later that this was in large part due to trauma she had suffered.  My second oldest daughter though did not have any of that same trauma or at least she compartmentalized it differently.  She instantly clung to me.  We sat and talked and talked for hours that first time I met her.  A part of me knew then that she was a part of my heart they both were.  It wasn’t until a little later that I was able to meet all five of my kids and instantly fell head over heals in love with all of them.

This was a very hard thing for the people around me to accept, me becoming not only a mother at just 18 but a mother to six at 18.  I had people tell me things like “you’ll never love them the same as you love your biological children.”  I have never been able to explain what clicked into place with my kids and that bond that just instantly happened.  At the time I had no idea that I would become their mom.  I NEVER wanted to take away anything from their biological mother.  I just knew I wanted to be a part of their lives in whatever way that would let me.  The whirlwind that followed meeting the loves of my life was heart breaking but also changed my life path forever. 

This change in some ways could have been handled better and I could have made some better choices, but I was again only a child myself.  I am only 12 years older than my oldest daughter.  When the kids were finally placed with us full time, I was working full time and had already been a mom for 6 months to my youngest daughter.  I remember this overwhelming since of dread and relief all at the same time the night we got the call that said, “come pick up your kids.”  Every thought you could think of went through my head, but I knew that this was the path that I was meant to be on.  Just before the kids were placed with us their biological mothers’ rights were terminated but I still felt that every child needs to know their parents.  I spent the first few years really trying to nurture some kind of relationship between the kid’s bio moms.  She and my husband just did not get along.  I would tell her I would make him leave to make her visits more of a happy visit.  He visits became less and less originally only happening every couple month to eventually just birthdays.  She would promise the world to the kids, “next time I come I am bringing you a new bike.”  I remember telling her “You don’t have to bring them anything, they just want to spend time with you.”  No matter how hard I tried she just quit trying.  I remember on visit when the kids were still pretty young.  My youngest was maybe 2 at the time.  The kid’s bio mom showed up at the house and brought the kids McDonalds.  The kids all were excited and said thank you and immediately ran into the house to divide up their happy meals to make their little sister a happy meal too.  It was so cool to see their little hearts work.  That same visit I tried to get her to come in and play with them, but she refused.  I made the kids go back out front to spend some kind of time with her.  This was until she stripped my 4-year-old son completely naked in the front yard because she wanted to change his clothes to stuff, she brought.  That’s when I went out and said, “you could come inside and do that.” She got angry and left. 

These kind of few and far between visits continued until my oldest turned 15 years old.  We were throwing her a birthday party and she really wanted to see her cousin from her bio moms’ side of the family.  She remembered playing with her as a young kid because they were the same age and just kinda wanted to see her.  We sat on the floor of our bathroom with my daughter crying because she wanted to see her cousin but did not want her bio mom coming and making her birthday party uncomfortable.  I reached out to my daughters’ biological maternal aunt and told her the situation and she said she would love to come and bring her daughter.   Her part was wonderful, and she was so happy to see her cousin.  They hit it off just like they never missed a beat. 

Unfortunately, that was around the time that we allowed our daughter to have social media and she saw a post that her biological mother made just really putting me down because she blamed me that she wasn’t invited to her own daughter’s birthday party.  This really upset my daughter and I love her heart for being so protective of me, but I told her then that she didn’t need to worry about how anyone felt about me” I never wanted an opinion of me to create any kind of wedge between come kind of relationship between my kids and their biological mom.  I truly thought maintaining some kind of relationship between them was important.  My daughter didn’t listen to me then and sent her a message defending me and causing no contact for years.  She said then that “her kids will come back to her when they are old enough.”

The twist to this story is that they did.  We have always struggled with my oldest son.  He was diagnosed with ODD in the second grade and back then it wasn’t talked about much and we just didn’t know then how to help him.  He rebelled in his late teens and searched for her out and moved in with her.   It didn’t last long because deep down she just did not want to be a parent and he did not want to be told what to do.  My second oldest daughter sought her out next.  From what I understand this meeting didn’t go as well as I think my daughter hoped it would.  Each one of my children has sought her out as an adult and have been able to form their own opinions and decide whether or not they want a relationship with her.  I support that choice either way, with the exception of that I don’t want them to hurt. I remember when my oldest finally went around and went to go see her, she said she just wanted to talk to her and to ask “why”.  Her birth mom told her that I kept her away from them.  She was old enough to have witnessed everything and knew better.  I never asked my kids to call me Mom.  I never wanted to take that away from someone.  I knew how strong the love I had for them was and couldn’t imagine someone taking that from me. 

I remember one school year I enrolled one of my youngest in school and he was only 1 year and a half when I became his mom and so he never really knew anything different.  To him I was just Momma.  For some reason this year when we enrolled our kids into a new school district the teacher just had a thing against blended families and would not let my son call me Momma.  He would say my Momma and she would tell him that’s not your mom that’s your “step” Mom.  My son was very confused because again I was all he really knew.  Like I said before I have never asked them to call me Momma, but I have never let them call me “step” Momma.  I have been the women that has held them when they are sick, that has dried their tears when they are sad, sat up for hours on end studying for that test or finishing school projects. I might not be your only Momma, but I am defiantly not just a “step” Momma.  It is crazy the stigma that follows this topic.  People usually feel super strong about it one way or the other.  I believe with every fiber of me that God planned on me being my kids Momma. I believe he had a plan for us all. To take away the relationship or be little the relationship simply because I didn’t physically birth my children is just wrong.

I thank my kid’s biological mom.  I thank her for giving me the greatest blessing I never knew I needed or wanted.  My heart aches for her that she wasn’t able to know the joy and the heart ache of being a Momma. I think people should be more understanding in the sacrifice and the heart that so many bonus moms and dad put into their family every day.